sun, cofee and a blanket

I feel so tired and lazy... I don't feel like doing anything. Reading seems to be to tiring, just to lie down is too boring. So I'm sitting here, covered with blanket and with a cup of fake cofee.
Yesterday I couldn't sleep again. Maybe because before going to bed I was watching some report, that even made me cry a bit. I saw our ombudsman for children talking that homosexuality is a plauge that is coming from the western Europe, and we have to stop it. Don't let it spread inside our country. That hurt.
Then those young people, future of our nation, shouting about "normalcy" ? Something about faggots. That only man and woman is a normal family. That homosexuals should get to some therapy to cure their disorders.
A guy, their techie, was having some silly lecture, that sounded completely like in a church. He was talking about being obedient as a most important thing in life. Renunciation is something that will make us stronger and better. Good and abd, are the only criteria. And democracy can not exist.
I was terrified looking at their faces. So focused.
Then on 14th of february they were giving some posters that were saying about love to our country. Some other, funky girls, nearby where calling themselves 'educators' and were talking about contraception. Encouraging to use condoms to stop unwanted pregnancies etc. So those girls went to our heros and gave them something, saying 'with love to neighbors'.
'So for what are the rubbers then?' - asked their spokesman.
'To prevent from HIV, for example.'
He looked disgusted and answered through the bullhorn
'Normal diseases are flu, pneumonia and that things!'
I was even more sad and angry. I wouldn't be, but this youngsters are becoming ministers... they are responsible for our country... :( thinking about it really hurts... They are closing their minds and... no, I won't say anything more.
When I finally mangage to fall asleep I dreamt that I was dead. But as I was a ghost I was trying to let my friends know that I'm still there. I will leave it without comments.

dreams

Thick fog, trains and a friend who instead of taking care of me is trying to pick me up. My tutor is forcing me to do the difficult task and is angry that I don't even now what Trock is. It was very tiring to be sitting with an empty sheet of paper, not knowing what to write there.
- There is no Wisła - I said to my mum, looking out of the window. Because of the fog I couldn't even see the river, neither the view of the city. But I was already in the train, alone. On the bridge. With the train I was going here and there, without any visible reason. I met a lot of people from erasmus one the small railway station in Laskowice Pomorskie. You were not there. You asked our friend to look after me. But he was just embracing me with a big grin on his face.
- I thought you were gay - I said to him - or... are you just bisexual?
His face didn't change, he just nodded.
- Uhum.
But that all was just a dream. Just some thoughts from yesterday which turned into a movie, plus some fiction. That's what dreams are about.

Sunday

I'm wondering what is so special about Sunday's morning? There must be something, because you just need to look out the window and you know it's Sunday.
Is that the birds are singing in a different way?
Does the sky look different?
Does the sun shine brighter?
Is green more green?
Do people look different?
Is it just more quiet and peaceful?I don't know the answers. But I can easily tell you when it is a Sunday's morning.

this day has no colours

I'm sitting in my room with empty, cold walls. The desk in front of the window, a lamp, a bed and some boxes with clothes. It's all I have here.
The guy that is making my closet was supposed to come here today. But he didn't. He fell from the stairs, injured his arm and blah blah blah... I guess he just couldn't make it on time. What's the difference anyway. My closet is still not here and all our plans get screwed. Shit happens, I wouldn't bother about it much, but...
But in the morning, when we were going to buy some other stuff to my room some stupid woman was trying to get into the roundabout in front of us. While she should wait. That wouldn't be so bad, that things happens, but she even used a car horn! I have no idea why. I guess she didn't now much about the road rules. But my dad was really pissed off, as it's not the first time this week that someone doesn't know how to drive and still is very self confident.
So I have my second breakfast of anger and bitterness.
Yummy, eat honey, eat.
Taste awful, I have tried to forget about it but that seems impossible.
I'm tired. I don't want to talk. I would like to lyie down, next to Gerardo. Hug him, and just stay like that, listening to a music.
I went to visit my grandma. I know she waits for me everyday. But the sad truth is that there is not much that we can talk about. I like to listen to her sometimes but I don't like to talk about myself.
- What did you have for your lunch?
Oh, I just felt like hugging her. Like I used to when I was a little girl. And even a bit bigger girl. I turned on Fashion tv and we were criticising models. And clothes. I was just trying not to keep up the subject of my grandad. I know she misses him. I know... but what can I do?
I get off from the bus one stop earlier to walk a little. I passed my highschool... so many changes since I've been there last time. Cold wind was mulishly trying to get under my clothes but I didn't care much. Soon there will be real spring. With sun, blue sky and high temperature. In that moment I had good music in my ears and some nice ideas in my head, so why to care about the weather.

Oh.. it got dark. Who cares, this day didn't have colours anyway.

cliché ?

I like means of public transport. I always have some cool thoughts in there. But no one has yet invented a thoughts-writing machine so they usualy blows with the wind as soon as I get off.
Today for example, waiting for a train at the station Sopot Wyścigi, I sat down on the dirty bench enjoying the sun. Some boy sat down next to me. My nose was blocked and I felt like doing strange things to help myself to breathe. Well... I didn't want to make stupid sounds sitting next to someone, so I did my best to breath normally. Then came my train. Today's topic? "Perfectionism". My conclusion? "A big brown shit". Perfectionism may stop you to do the things you would like. Being afraid of not doing something well (read: perfect) is silly. We are not robots. Having no experience means that you just have to gain it. If you don't know something there is nothing bad in it, you can learn it. You have to fall down sometimes, to then get up again. well.. I don't remember now my thoughts that were cooler than this... (It's also hard to write with a fat cat sitting on my hand, and his tale on the keyboard) guess I should be taking a notebook with me and write them immediately. Anyway, on the station Sopot Kamienny Potok, I noticed outside the boy that was sitting next to me. He was talking with another boy, I mean... talking is not good word for a deaf person I guess...

I used to much energy yesterday I guess. Facing the world this morning was really difficult. So at 9 o'clock, after some sneezeing I decided to get back to bed. What was going on in my head was also tiring. Starting from my music teacher that I met at the swimming pool and ending on a british barman to who I was explaining that for Poles is easier to understand american than british accent. I finally woke up feeling that it's late and I should at least open my eyes but I couldn't. It was 11.40 and I was so sleepy... Now I'm drinking hot chocolate and listening to old, good disco. It's so funny to see photos from yesterday's evening...
I went to meet girls at Ilona's place, but first I had to go to the shop, as they asked me to buy cheese. Hmm.. OK.. people in the shop were looking at me in a strange way (no wonder), and instead of making myself "invisible" while I tried to take my wallet from the purse I dropped the lipstick... Bitchy, raspberry pink lipstick, which roll on the floor for few meters making noise... ;) well, better lipstick that some other thing which my bag was full of. My personality was so split that when Monika asked trough the entry phone "Yes?" I replied "It's us!". I was laughing all the way up but they got paranoic that I brought someone with me ;)

A song. Still a bit silly but final version :) Oh, who cares, you have to try everything in your life ;)

taking red mobile to my hand
writing some dirty words
shall I send them or not?
will you think that I am hot?

I cross the street
dizzy of double-deckers
why they're on my right?
I'm looking to left and fuck
from where came this black cab?

Fishergate full of strangers
what all these people want?
is this really the language?
where are all the ones I know?

walking up the christ church street
I can not be a bird
so I'm just a cat in boots
black hottie in red shoes

wanna see you playing guitar
draw your picture in a black chair
I just want to make you smile
and no, I don't wanna say goodbye

wanna hear your laugh
hear you saying goodnight
oh, I know...
oh, I know, it's not the time