vertigo

Emptiness is making circles above my head
Should I stop it
Or let it go?
which side would it go?
what if it explode?
will it spread the crumbs of destruction?
or make it blank, for rewriting again?

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Now playing: MAREK GRECHUTA - Zagadki
via FoxyTunes

Somehow not well...

"I'll have a blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me"


Merry Christmas!
Wesołych Świąt!
¡Feliz Navidad!

grey

I woke up and it was grey. Raindrops were falling on grey pavements. Wanted to make me some coffee but it would be grey too. I run to the grey station and caught a train to Sopot. It was two o'clock and the city was grey. I walked down the main street and stopped in front of a shop-window. There was a big box of 20 Woody Allen movies. Grey box. So I headed to the beach and there, 450m inwards the sea it was even more grey. A point of no return when the grey sky touches the grey sea, and makes a grey wall. I have killed a crumb of cookie yesterday. My eyes must have been grey too.
Greyness seized the day and suddenly it just got dark...

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Now playing: HEY - Heledore Babe
via FoxyTunes

This damned days

Isn't it bloody ironic to be waiting for some classes for few months and get ill two days before? I have again a very sexy voice of a mature witch. And my throat feels like someone was trying to suffocate me at night. Just that I can't remember such situation.
Well then... Though I'm sorry, work with patient with schizophrenic diagnosis will need to wait till I stop being a patient with flu.

(This video is a bit crappy, but I like the song...)

Seminar

knock, knock
- Good evening! May I? - I asked putting my head inside the room.
- Please, come in - replied my tutor. But he could see me only when I entered so taking off my hat I added with a big grin
- It's me.
- Oh, hello miss J.
He stood up from his desk with computer on it.
- You see, I got so bored sitting here that I started to read interviews... with myself.
I started to laugh.
- That's not good I think - he added smiling.
And I thought it was not good to be correcting my own articles... ;)

just that

I talk to you but it's not the same as touchin' you
(...)
We'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long
But it feels like forever, and it's hard to be strong


Baby 'cause I'm missing you now
And it's drivin' me crazy


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Now playing: Kenny G & Michael Bolton - Missing You
via FoxyTunes

- What do you think about that Miss Producer?

Marcin: Hey, you know you're gonna be "Miss Producer"?
Liv: Yeah.. I would like to have a chair with the word "director" in the back of it.
M: We were talking with Robert about your future.
L: My future? Hehe, that's nice that someone care.
M: Hehe so, yes, there is a little of new duties, we'll discuss it. We don't like that you're leaving Poland.
Robert: Are you leaving?
L: Eer.. you don't like it?
M: No. We thought you're gonna stay longer with us.
L: Em...
M: Hmm but what could we do to change your mind?
R: Where are you going?
L: To Spain.
R: Oh, yeah, you have a guy there, right?
L: Yes.
M: To Spain? Oh damn... well then... I can't promise you more sun here. And those beaches, seashore...
R: And a hot lover.
M: No, damn. But hey, come on, there are guys from Africa coming to study here, why won't he come here too?

It was so nice to walk by the seaside, under yellowish trees and autumn sunbeams. So warm, and this sweet smell of leaves... But then 6hours of sleep let me know that they need a company of few hours more. I told them to shove off and then they got angry. Well going against a crowd is not a good idea. So they took a revenge on me and took away all of my energy. They knew I have to go to the dancing lessons, so the situation was perfect.
When someone accidentaly turned off the light in the room my eyes closed automatically. But then the teacher came and started with all the caro's , and chassis's an "go!". Of course I was quite clumsy, mistaking the steps and loosing the rythm. After one hour, wet as a rat and awfully hungry I lost the train. Next one was trying to loose me, coming to the station 10 minutes after it was supposed to. But I was there, waiting and moving my legs impatiently to the music. In the train my eyes kept on closing themselves. Views from the outside were not helping - even a big window in the gym full of guys.
One hour later, with my belly full of Lidl's food, the only thing I can think of is my bed. My friend 6hours have won. But I need a shower, finish the article, find some books, study, prepare sth for my thesis, drink a tea, download a movie, clean the dishes... ayy... you damn 6hours this night you may even have an orgy for 9!

Perverted mind?

As usual the picture now is a bit foggy but I still remember what has happened...
It was supposed to be a church, but looked more like a crypt or something like that. It was only as I enterned when I learnt I was about to get married. I was kinda panicked "why? now? how come?" and frightened that there was no way back. Then I noticed a coffin with a corpse of a small boy, to the right from the altar. My aunt went there, and looked at him with tenderness. "Must be very painful to lost a child" I thought. But my aunt was not sad, and I knew that the kid died some time ago already. "Why did they put the coffin there, do they want to make the funeral together with the wedding?" I asked myself trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't and still I was more terrified about the very fact of marrying. I looked arounf trying to find G. but someone came, to take me to the altar. The guests were already at their places. "For God's sake I will have to talk in front of all those people! But wait a second... damn which language am I supposed to speak?!" I had no time to think as I was already in front of the altar, where at that moment my aunt (alive) was lying in some opened wooden box. Similar to those used by magicians. Her had was kinda divided from the rest of the body and she was pinned to the box by a leather belt around her neck. "So that's what they do for the corpse not to move in the coffin".
My room was dark and I could hear the rain outside. Damn... I went to the toilet and almost got a heart attack seeing the cat in the middle... I think I still have problems getting used to the new flat...

Animals

458m from the shore the sea was full of jellyfish. They were moving very slowly, like suspended in the thick air. It was a very relaxing picture. Especially with the sun warming up my back.

- He's such a pet! - I commented when a small yorkshire terrier was looking at an old lady, asking her to take him to her arms.
- Yes, he doesn't want to let me go, like I was his mummy - answer the lady carrying the York. He seemed very happy to be able to see the views on the sea from up there.

The stairs in the forest. In the corner of my eye I noticed something white moving very quickly. 'A pigeon?' I thought. But well, I have not seen a white pigeon hidding in a burrow in the middle of a forest. The second thought was "a rat", but it seemed the same unbeliveable. I decided to wait a moment and see if it will go out again. I noticed some rotten apple - it must have been its lunch. After few seconds I saw some whiskers, small pink nose and black eyes. The rat smelled me and hide quickly again. I mede few steps away so he tried again. Now I saw a whole, pretty female rat, white with a grey hood. It was funny but on another hand I was sure that someone must have throw it away from home. Laboratory rats are not living in the wild. And white is not a safe colour to have, among the red and brown leaves...

- And I dreamt that I had a monkey - I said to my mum but she didn't hear me. Surely she wouldn't be interested much but anyway vacuum cleaner was eating my words together with ladybirds. They must have gotten crazy, we can't get rid of them in any other way. There are hundreds of them on the windows and net curtains. Flying slowly and heavily they crush into the ceiling or die accidentaly under a foot.
- I don't know what to do with all those ladybirds! - said my grandma angrily on the other side of the phone line.
Well, seems that the nature is taking a revenge... ;D

just complaining

My grandma is always very interested in talking with me. Just miraculously our converastion always ends up with me saying nothing...

- So what else will you tell me?
- Err I don't know...
- Did you do a lot of sightseeing?
- Er... yeah, quite a lot.
- Did you went to the theater?
- No. Why? Why do you ask?
- No, nothing... just that when we went to Russia we went to the theater... We've seen a lot on that trip...


- Whate else can I give you? I can make you pancakes!
- No grandma, please, I don't want anything else. I will just eat the cake, ok?
- OK... hm... and what do they eat there, in England?
- What shall they eat? The same as we do. You know grandma, now we have globalization... They have even a Polish Shop there. You can buy "pierogi".
- Oh! Maybe I will make you dumplings?!

Spain

Spending hot, sunny days indoors does not seem crazy to me anymore. Just the opposite...
We went for a short walk yesterday afternoon I felt like I have made a terrible mistake. I could barely keep my eyes open (no exaggeration), like in a very tiring dream. Nobel prize for the inventor of sunglasses!
While in my house in Poland it´s so nice to open all the windows and feel the fresh air, here is better to close all of them and turn on the cooling system.

For me the coolest thing during sumer was to spend all days outside, coming home just to eat. Here I naively hoped to do the same. I realised very quickly that I should rather forget about the past and adapt to the andalusian way of living ;)

I understood all the things that used to be odd to me.

So I get up around noon, enjoy air conditioning during the afternoon, eat dinner at 11 in the evening and go to sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning.Nowhere else it seems more appropriate.
And I like very much just sitting and talking in the balcony, looking at the lights of the city...

Pieśń kosmosu

I was walking next to the sports field and looking at the small hill on the other side of it. It used to look so huge to me. Every winter, as soon as the snow had fallen down, I was running there with my sledges and got crazy with other kids. Going up and ride down hundred times a day. Every lunch tasted delicious afterwards.
At the top of the hill is a metal sculpture from the 70'. It's name is "The outer space's song" and it still makes me feel a bit frightened. Especially when it's dark and the wind is moving the upper part of the sculpture, making a scary noise.
Today I looked at the hill and the word "hill" sounded completely inadequate. It looked rather plain to me.
Did I grow up?
But I'm still overwhelmed by the forest. It's deep green, big and thick, old trees, darkness in the middle of a sunny day... There I'm still just a little girl.

Whatever

I've never been thinking about popularity of tv series. Some of them I liked some, some not. Some of them I found completely stupid, some interesting. Like everyone. Lately I have stopped watching almost all of the ones I used to like. But today, I got a little sad, I was reading a book and thinking what to do next. The only thing that came to my mind was to watch another episode of "The Sopranos". I didn't feel much like watching a movie, just a serial.
So I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to see something new, something that will make me think too much. I wanted to see something familiar. I have already "get to know" the characters and now I just wanted to "meet" them again.
I guess old ladies, who spend their days alone at home feel better when they "know" some tv family for years.They are always there, on the tv screen, and they will never turn their backs on those ladies.
Some may show them life they always wanted to live but had no chance.
eeerr... nevermind.

babies

I walk P. home yesterday. Her baby was sleepy and thus whiny, so she was carrying him in her arms. I was just pushing the stroller.
- Look, Igorek, who is there? Grandpa? Look there!
- Hey! Igorek! Hey hey!
Igor didn't look at him anyway.
- Good morning! - I said.
- Watch out, it maybe contagious! - said P.'s father in law with a smile under his moustache.
So what is contagious? Having a baby? Come on Liv, be a nice girl.
- Hehe, no...
- Well, you should be already pregnant after the tournament!
Do I look like a whore?!
Another guy in my list with a bad sense of humour.

looking for the summer

I feel the green all around.
Grass is green.
Trees are too.
So am I.
Happy.

sun, cofee and a blanket

I feel so tired and lazy... I don't feel like doing anything. Reading seems to be to tiring, just to lie down is too boring. So I'm sitting here, covered with blanket and with a cup of fake cofee.
Yesterday I couldn't sleep again. Maybe because before going to bed I was watching some report, that even made me cry a bit. I saw our ombudsman for children talking that homosexuality is a plauge that is coming from the western Europe, and we have to stop it. Don't let it spread inside our country. That hurt.
Then those young people, future of our nation, shouting about "normalcy" ? Something about faggots. That only man and woman is a normal family. That homosexuals should get to some therapy to cure their disorders.
A guy, their techie, was having some silly lecture, that sounded completely like in a church. He was talking about being obedient as a most important thing in life. Renunciation is something that will make us stronger and better. Good and abd, are the only criteria. And democracy can not exist.
I was terrified looking at their faces. So focused.
Then on 14th of february they were giving some posters that were saying about love to our country. Some other, funky girls, nearby where calling themselves 'educators' and were talking about contraception. Encouraging to use condoms to stop unwanted pregnancies etc. So those girls went to our heros and gave them something, saying 'with love to neighbors'.
'So for what are the rubbers then?' - asked their spokesman.
'To prevent from HIV, for example.'
He looked disgusted and answered through the bullhorn
'Normal diseases are flu, pneumonia and that things!'
I was even more sad and angry. I wouldn't be, but this youngsters are becoming ministers... they are responsible for our country... :( thinking about it really hurts... They are closing their minds and... no, I won't say anything more.
When I finally mangage to fall asleep I dreamt that I was dead. But as I was a ghost I was trying to let my friends know that I'm still there. I will leave it without comments.

dreams

Thick fog, trains and a friend who instead of taking care of me is trying to pick me up. My tutor is forcing me to do the difficult task and is angry that I don't even now what Trock is. It was very tiring to be sitting with an empty sheet of paper, not knowing what to write there.
- There is no Wisła - I said to my mum, looking out of the window. Because of the fog I couldn't even see the river, neither the view of the city. But I was already in the train, alone. On the bridge. With the train I was going here and there, without any visible reason. I met a lot of people from erasmus one the small railway station in Laskowice Pomorskie. You were not there. You asked our friend to look after me. But he was just embracing me with a big grin on his face.
- I thought you were gay - I said to him - or... are you just bisexual?
His face didn't change, he just nodded.
- Uhum.
But that all was just a dream. Just some thoughts from yesterday which turned into a movie, plus some fiction. That's what dreams are about.

Sunday

I'm wondering what is so special about Sunday's morning? There must be something, because you just need to look out the window and you know it's Sunday.
Is that the birds are singing in a different way?
Does the sky look different?
Does the sun shine brighter?
Is green more green?
Do people look different?
Is it just more quiet and peaceful?I don't know the answers. But I can easily tell you when it is a Sunday's morning.

this day has no colours

I'm sitting in my room with empty, cold walls. The desk in front of the window, a lamp, a bed and some boxes with clothes. It's all I have here.
The guy that is making my closet was supposed to come here today. But he didn't. He fell from the stairs, injured his arm and blah blah blah... I guess he just couldn't make it on time. What's the difference anyway. My closet is still not here and all our plans get screwed. Shit happens, I wouldn't bother about it much, but...
But in the morning, when we were going to buy some other stuff to my room some stupid woman was trying to get into the roundabout in front of us. While she should wait. That wouldn't be so bad, that things happens, but she even used a car horn! I have no idea why. I guess she didn't now much about the road rules. But my dad was really pissed off, as it's not the first time this week that someone doesn't know how to drive and still is very self confident.
So I have my second breakfast of anger and bitterness.
Yummy, eat honey, eat.
Taste awful, I have tried to forget about it but that seems impossible.
I'm tired. I don't want to talk. I would like to lyie down, next to Gerardo. Hug him, and just stay like that, listening to a music.
I went to visit my grandma. I know she waits for me everyday. But the sad truth is that there is not much that we can talk about. I like to listen to her sometimes but I don't like to talk about myself.
- What did you have for your lunch?
Oh, I just felt like hugging her. Like I used to when I was a little girl. And even a bit bigger girl. I turned on Fashion tv and we were criticising models. And clothes. I was just trying not to keep up the subject of my grandad. I know she misses him. I know... but what can I do?
I get off from the bus one stop earlier to walk a little. I passed my highschool... so many changes since I've been there last time. Cold wind was mulishly trying to get under my clothes but I didn't care much. Soon there will be real spring. With sun, blue sky and high temperature. In that moment I had good music in my ears and some nice ideas in my head, so why to care about the weather.

Oh.. it got dark. Who cares, this day didn't have colours anyway.

cliché ?

I like means of public transport. I always have some cool thoughts in there. But no one has yet invented a thoughts-writing machine so they usualy blows with the wind as soon as I get off.
Today for example, waiting for a train at the station Sopot Wyścigi, I sat down on the dirty bench enjoying the sun. Some boy sat down next to me. My nose was blocked and I felt like doing strange things to help myself to breathe. Well... I didn't want to make stupid sounds sitting next to someone, so I did my best to breath normally. Then came my train. Today's topic? "Perfectionism". My conclusion? "A big brown shit". Perfectionism may stop you to do the things you would like. Being afraid of not doing something well (read: perfect) is silly. We are not robots. Having no experience means that you just have to gain it. If you don't know something there is nothing bad in it, you can learn it. You have to fall down sometimes, to then get up again. well.. I don't remember now my thoughts that were cooler than this... (It's also hard to write with a fat cat sitting on my hand, and his tale on the keyboard) guess I should be taking a notebook with me and write them immediately. Anyway, on the station Sopot Kamienny Potok, I noticed outside the boy that was sitting next to me. He was talking with another boy, I mean... talking is not good word for a deaf person I guess...

I used to much energy yesterday I guess. Facing the world this morning was really difficult. So at 9 o'clock, after some sneezeing I decided to get back to bed. What was going on in my head was also tiring. Starting from my music teacher that I met at the swimming pool and ending on a british barman to who I was explaining that for Poles is easier to understand american than british accent. I finally woke up feeling that it's late and I should at least open my eyes but I couldn't. It was 11.40 and I was so sleepy... Now I'm drinking hot chocolate and listening to old, good disco. It's so funny to see photos from yesterday's evening...
I went to meet girls at Ilona's place, but first I had to go to the shop, as they asked me to buy cheese. Hmm.. OK.. people in the shop were looking at me in a strange way (no wonder), and instead of making myself "invisible" while I tried to take my wallet from the purse I dropped the lipstick... Bitchy, raspberry pink lipstick, which roll on the floor for few meters making noise... ;) well, better lipstick that some other thing which my bag was full of. My personality was so split that when Monika asked trough the entry phone "Yes?" I replied "It's us!". I was laughing all the way up but they got paranoic that I brought someone with me ;)

A song. Still a bit silly but final version :) Oh, who cares, you have to try everything in your life ;)

taking red mobile to my hand
writing some dirty words
shall I send them or not?
will you think that I am hot?

I cross the street
dizzy of double-deckers
why they're on my right?
I'm looking to left and fuck
from where came this black cab?

Fishergate full of strangers
what all these people want?
is this really the language?
where are all the ones I know?

walking up the christ church street
I can not be a bird
so I'm just a cat in boots
black hottie in red shoes

wanna see you playing guitar
draw your picture in a black chair
I just want to make you smile
and no, I don't wanna say goodbye

wanna hear your laugh
hear you saying goodnight
oh, I know...
oh, I know, it's not the time

England

I'm sitting on a couch with my feet on a table, feeling like criticizing everyone around, judging their life choices, maybe envy them too. Just one of the bad days. A novelty is that I'm aware why I feel like that. So I know what to do to avoid that. Or rather what NOT to do :) Sometimes it's hard to avoid, but at least I know what I don't want. And that's something, right?

English weather is really strange. I think I liked it more in Spain. Or in Gibraltar, if comparing within UK :)
Well, no point in complaining.

Just enjoy :)

Hmm...

I'm sitting on my bed, immersing in my own thoughts and my red jumper. Gerardo is playing guitar. Hmm... It's so nice... But I have to study for the exam, and write two essays. As always I'm the one to blame - should have done it before.
But well. Afterwards we will have a nice holidays in Spain :) That will be a nice change for me. During our last free days we were freezing in Poland :D